I know I know. I’ve been MIA. Again. To be honest (as usual on this blog) I haven’t felt the inspiration to write. I’ve felt like a fraud, and rather than put out something that is completely unauthentic (as in you can smell it from a mile away unauthentic), I decided better to not post at all.
Maybe it’s the two cups of coffee I had this morning but I think I’ve got it. I don’t have gosh darn clue of who I am. And the truth? I am no one. Now I’m not saying I don’t have significance. I know I’m important in the lives of my family, and I’ll reach as far to say that my friends would miss me as well, but I’ve been trying so hard to be someone. Anyone. And it’s quite draining honestly.
Maybe I have some sort of personality disorder but I’ve always felt so, lost. Towards this person I am this person, and on Tuesdays I want to be like that person. The best conclusion I think I’ve come to so far is that it’s okay to be lost. As cliche as it sounds, fighting this current of “being lost,” has only exhausted and sucked the life out of me.
Obviously I write because I enjoy it. No one takes journalism classes and reads because they are forced to do it. I take photos because I enjoy it. I make art because it’s my way of saying “this is what I bring to the table.” This, this form of creating, no matter what the outlet, has been and will always be what I am capable of doing.
However along the way I’ve seen/watched other people try to do this, but they sell “themselves.” And all this being honest and authentic crap has been me not really being that authentic. Or maybe I thought I was being authentic in the moment. Now that I look back I see that it’s just me trying to grab peoples attention. It seems as if life nowadays is a big ol’ game of “pick-me!”
So here’s the game-plan, because I’m a big talker and I like to kind of say what my plan is, much like an evil villain releasing their masterplan (whether I end up following it to a T or not). While I’ve been trying to do the blog/youtube/instagram as “me”. I’ve felt kind of exposed. There’s a vulnerability with being completely honest with a bunch of strangers online. The worlds a lot smaller than it used to be (relatively speaking). So while I don’t know who I am, nor will I ever since I am not someone, we can continue with this “persona” I’ve sort of created. Because how truthful are you really when you put yourself out there? Everything is a half truth anyways so why even pretend otherwise? You see what I want you to see and that’s simple facts.
I wanted to write and to make videos and take photos as another form of art and expression. I want to be able to be dramatic and tragic without actually living it day to day. I mean for those of you who do actually know me and are reading this, how much of what I post online is me? Honestly now.
I want social media to be fun. I want it to be stupid and crazy. I want to make you laugh and cry and escape reality a little bit. If you think social media and the online world is real, and it’s your reality we need to have a talk.
This is my disclaimer. Take everything I post with a grain of salt. Nothing is real anymore. Everything is an illusion. To quote Nietzche:
“No artist tolerates reality.”
It’s true. I make my own. Hi. Welcome. Enjoy the ride.
ps: let’s start interacting on instagram #lilulovesliving