For the past couple of days I’ve been having a pretty serious identity crisis. I honest to god don’t know who I am anymore. Which is ironic considering that just a couple of posts ago I was preaching about having to be more authentic (it’s a process I suppose). On this blog I’ve been pretty honest. Posting the pictures I took of myself (or someone else took for me) and writing about things I was genuinely thinking about. So my blog is honest – probably the most honest thing I’ve put out on the internet recently (besides my youtube, which I’m kind of bad at and do to keep in touch with my stateside friends).
Instagram however? Fake. So fake. I have gotten so caught up in wanting to be seen as something and someone I’m not (acting like a model? when no one has even signed me?), or trying to copy cat bloggers/vloggers/personas that I like when pure and simple I. Am. Not. Them. And even worse, the whole reason I follow these girls (Kelsey Simone, Loren, Sian Lily, Sorelle Amore) is because I find them authentic, they’re not fake, and their platforms that they are putting themselves out on are quality content with lives they actually live.
I used to not stress about instagram, or what I was posting. If you look back at early 2017 and anything earlier I am purely myself. I was using instagram as a digital photo diary of what I was doing – it was for me. Now that I am trying to make a living off of it I started stressing what I post, how many actively clicked on hashtags I use, increasing my follower count. All for what? Who am I benefiting? Certainly not myself. And most certainly not anyone looking at my instagram. People can see through fake.
Conclusively I’m done with trying to become “instagram famous” whatever that means. I’m done trying to become someone, when the simple truth is, I am no one. I need to stop mindlessly scrolling and being jealous and wanting and faking it, because it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Yet what I do know is I love art. I love photography, and history. I love spending time with the people I love. I love traveling and visiting new places. And I like writing, this blog has become therapeutic, and a way for me to be held accountable. I’m going to be taking a hiatus from instagram for a while, which means not posting like a crazy person as I was before, and not doing it just for the sake of posting content. I want to grow myself and my brand as an artist – and much more as who I am, whoever that is, I can’t wait to meet her.